Every day, at some point, I want to give up.
I oftentimes say to myself, "I want to feel normal again." ...but then I realize, this is my new normal. For every woman that wants a family, career, and to still fulfill their own individual goals/dreams, this crazy-ass life is normal. I just haven't found a comfortable routine yet.
Some days, I question why we decided to have a second child. And yes, I then feel guilty for questioning that. Then I take one look at Cooper ... beautiful, happy Cooper ... and I can't even imagine or remember life before him.
Some days, I question why I still work. Then I see one of my athletes conquer a goal they never thought was possible, and I'm so happy. And they're so happy. And then I realize - when they reach their goals, I'm happier than when I reach my own.
Some days, I question why I give a shit about qualifying for the Olympic Trials. Someone, another coach actually, once said to me, "Why do you care? It's not like you'll actually go to the Olympics." He sucks for saying that ...or maybe he doesn't suck, because he certainly fueled my fire. And then I go for a run, and I feel free. Happy. I feel that fire and my deep-rooted desire, and I know that not going for this goal is not an option.
I may not be my happiest-go-luckiest self as of late, but I'll get back there. Because after all, I'm choosing all of this. Individually, everything makes me happy; all of it together is just a bit overwhelming right now. It's kind of like opening a puzzle for the first time, dumping out all of its beautiful, colorful pieces, yet still saying to yourself, "How the fuck will I ever put this all together?" ...But then eventually, even if it takes a little time, you do.
And that's why, every day, at some point, I know... I'll never give up.
Happy Running. :)
Happy Running. :)